This page is not for my mom, it is for us to remind ourselves of all the ways she is still with us.  One thing I gained from my mother is a practical way of thinking about issues, situations or what is presented to us. Conversations with her carried a skepticism to the snake-oil salesman in all forms. Question & examine life & the relationships we have with it.  Perhaps one of my mother's greatest beauties was her unassuming sincerety.  It may have also been one of her biggest faults also. At my mother's memorial service, it was interesting to observe and discuss this quality of hers.  People told me how immediately they felt comfortable with her and trusted her.  She wouldn't talk behind one's back and there were no pretenses or holier than thou additudes emanating from her.  Her sincerity probably left her wide open and vulnerable. I can't say she was thick-skinned.

During my childhood, I wanted so much to tell me that she loved me, but she couldn't.  It truly wasn't until she been diagnosed with early stages of uterine cancer, that was thought to have been completely removed, that she said "I love you". I had tried to say it when I was younger, but she was so incredibly uncomfortable with it-like wearing clothes that aren't your style or size or need repairs. It didn't fit right, she couldn't wear that outfit without sqirming  or without letting it fall off because all the buttons are missing.

She tried to attach those buttons, to make it fit afterward.  I was happy to hear her say it often, although very awkward. She was like the kid who grew taller and all of a sudden her pants were too short and awkward; but I loved to see her growing. I think she needed to hear it from us also. She was trying to fill her closet of love so she could always find something wonderful, warm and comfortable to wrap around herself.  I am glad she had the oppurtunity to do that.  Although to some people her growth or behavior in this way might not have seemed like all that big a deal, I think these were giant steps for her.

I miss my talks with her.  She was a very intelligent woman, whose ideas were grounded and had a lot of common sense.  It is through these talks that I developed much insight into life and the intricate ways in which the world worked.  Interestingly enough, she and I can/could be very skeptical of things or questioning of things; but her sincerity as well as mine made us both want to believe so much that all in the world had positive, truthful intentions.  This is how she often got hurt.. Me too. But I had to learn different:

During my childhood, I think I was considered to be the one that she & my father couldn't control (although things I did weren't seen as the uncontrollable kid by those outside the family).  I was the one who questioned, talked back, ect. I was the black sheep, but I gave her the "good" stories to tell!  When I matured a bit in late teenage years and at times in between, the wonderful conversations started.  Actually, looking back, there were the times she answered my endless questioning of the whys in the world. It helped me to understand that some things are the way they are in the world and couldn't be changed.  This is not to say that we could not change things or situations. It was more of an acceptance of certain things being part of the bigger plan- that that world has certain constant qualities, ie. wind, rain, sun, death, taxes, politics, greed, cheating, love, truth and lies; but the change is where all these boundless qualities are occuring on earth or the universe

Examples & expressions of Grief, Anger and of the ways it has seeped into my life.

Dear Spindlers,
All the topics mentioned in this subject line are important to me.
Itching:  When my mom was in the ER before we knew what was going on, she
had many scratch marks on her skin from itching.  A nurse told her and me
that when the liver isn't working as well, the body tries to secrete toxins
through the skin and any other way it can to get rid of the excess toxins.
We probably shouldn't diagnose for anyone, but encourage people to be
demanding of their doctors because I knowfrom both sides of the fence that
one will not get the good attention of years ago.  The system has changed. I
might still have my mother  if the doctors didn't ignore her symptoms or
succumb to marketing of HRT to individuals when its negative aspects were
known about for years from Research Studies.
Anyone suspecting serious issues with the liver or anything else, be
aggressive with the system. My mom died on the day her CT scan was
scheduled. She went to the ER too late and wasn't aggressive in getting that
outpatient thing scheduled. You might save your own life or health.

I have pasted a former post of mine from Etherbun -although addressing
spaying bunnies and uterine cancer, my info is based on humans. After that
is a private e-mail that provides more info. If you read "between the lines"
you will understand about the human stuff.

I know I will lose too much sleep tonight if I were to type and think about
all that info freshly again. Thank you with your patience in the manner in
which I posted. Taking care of your self is worth the read. I am not afraid
to get those uterine/ gyno exams, nor afraid to get mammograms. I would
rather live and live well if I have a choice.
I'm off the soapbox til nest time. God Bless.
Mary Ellen




.
Happy Holidays!!
----- Original Message -----
From: Mary Ellen Crawford <maryellen1163@netzero.net>
To: etherbun <etherbun@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Saturday, September 21, 2002 3:12 PM
Subject: Uterine Cancer/aka Why to Neuter your girls!!!


> I don't know enough about rabbits, but I can tell you enough about uterine
> cancer in humans.  I lost my mom to it slightly over a year ago.  It hit a
> late stage because doctors didn't pay attention when she expressed many
> concerns.
>
> I have been trying to learn alot more about it now since I can face her
> death a little better now.  The latest research in/on humans (which I feel
> would probably transfer to bunnies, at least to some extent in being
> applicable), shows that women who had much higher estrogen levels for a
good
> portion of their lives at much higher risk for endometrial/uterine cancer.
> Girls who get their period young or go through menopause late, woman who
> have not been pregnant or not much, women who have not not been on birth
> control pills or for short periods of time or those who have been on
> estrogen replacement therapy or those who have alot of adipose tissue (for
> some reason we produce & store more estrogen with it) have been exposed to
> high amnounts of estrogen and are at much higher risk for it. My mom fit
> many of those categories.
>
> Based on this, if at all applicable to buns, buns were designed to not
have
> many of these risk factors in nature-always pregnant, mothering or dead.
> Forgive my bluntness. Bunnies have fewer things to worry about in our
> artificial habitats, live longer, not have to worry about being mauled by
a
> mounting male all the time-if not neutered there's all that estrogen for
> many extra years of life.  By the way, most human females who end up with
> the dx of uterine/endometrial cancer are over sixty.  Giving bunnies all
> these extra years with a chance to get old exposes them to all that extra
> estrogen, greatly increasing their chance of getting cancer.  Neuter our
> sweeties, remove some of that extra estrogen from their extra years and
they
> have a much  better quality of life.
>
> Please forgive my soapbox speech.  I lost my mom.  My bunnies have helped
me
> grieve.  One bunny stayed with my mom in the nursing home under hospice
care
> as she existed and tried to live for her last few days.  That bunny helped
> her with her fear of dying alone.  I owe that bunny alot. She is going to
> have the best chance she can get to live a quality life for the gift she
> gave my mom.
>
> God Bless all the Bunslaves,
>
> Mary Ellen
Subject: Re: [EtherBun] Uterine Cancer/aka Why to Neuter your girls!!!


Thank you for sharing about Clover!!This cancer (as all kinds are) can be &
is devastating.  They were doing a total hysterectomy (sp?) to my Mom to
eliminate all kinds of hormonal issues she was having.  She was still having
menstrual bleeding (irregular, heavy & painful ) til close to the age of 60.
Upon pre-op testing, they found very early stages of the cancer.  They
removed everything including the cancer (so they thought), then followed up
with radiation traements. Five years later they found cancer that had spread
(metasticised/ sp? )to her liver.  A non-drinker and otherwise healthy
active woman, she died of liver failure,  She basically had no real liver
left.  Besides masses that had spread,she had a huge one in her pelvic
region. The #$%&@!!^  doctors never followed up in monitoring her.  Even a
spay is not 100% I am sure, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone or anybun.  I
have lost buns (I am only about a year and a half into the bunslave
lifestyle) for various reasons (stupidity, ignorance, naivete`), and think
it must be the most awful thing to watch the buns suffer .

They are such an important part of their lives.  You have my total
cooperation in posting my e-mail and to edit if necessary.  you are welcome
to use anything from this one also.  My human cancer info is from the
American Cancer Society, Yale Oncology & St. Raphael's (both in New Haven
where my mom went.You can't beat Yale for being up-to-date).

I am going to check out the Onyx bunny site after this.

For the record, I do feel sorry for the females who go "crazy" with this
hormonal stuff. I have it in one of my girls now.  I don't know her age. I
thought she was a baby, but now I think she is just small- perhaps a
mini-rex.  I get along alot better with her than my husband. I think it is
intuitive in women-imagine having PMS longer than us humans do get it?
Catrin, who posts on EB has some very realistic theories about why some
shelterbunny females are considered vicious & mean (Atilla the Bun).  I have
one of her "vicious" bunnies as a foster (my first foster!!) who has just
been spayed and is the sweetest thing in the world.  Catrin told me the
shelter considered her unadoptable and was going to euthanize her!  People,
including the shelters, need lots of education, affordable and convenient
spay clinics like they do for cats!

Gee I  am really getting on my soapbox alot tonight!  Thanks for your
patience!

Have a good night and thank you for sharing also!!!!

God Bless,
Mary Ellen